Over the summer the “rec.guns” newsgroup on the InterNet’s usenet had a series of message threads called “You just might be a gun nut”.
Many of them were worth keeping so a couple of gun nuts sat down and put most of them together as a single list. An attempt was made to group them by common interest. Some were changed to make them more universal to most gun owners. We did not keep the names and email addresses of the original posters to the group.
The list starts off with a note from the moderator of the “rec.guns” group whose user name really is MAGNUM.
[Lessee, the sun workstation I use on faculty is called “xring” (which lots of students think has something to do with networked windows systems…). My Gateway on the subnet is “emmagee”… we have both “smith” and “wesson” in my widget lab, with student machines “doubletap”, “highpower”, “crosshare” (used to have a rabbit motif) … the little mac over in the corner is registered as “smallbore” and we have “rimfire” hooked in right underneath the official Barney target. Yeah, I think we have another way someone might be a Gun Nut …. ]
And, with that out of the way…..
You Might Be A Gun Nut If…
~you can’t remember the plot of the last movie you saw, but you can name the model, caliber and finish of every firearm in the movie.
~you reflexively count the number of shots fired by every weapon in the film, then gripe to your friends when the actors exceed the magazine capacities.
~you watch old WWII movies and can identify and look at all the rifles and handguns but can’t remember who stared in the movie or what it was about..
~if, when you watch a WWII movie, you have to get out th’ old Garand and 1911 and help John Wayne shoot the Japs and Krauts. Even when he’s in the Navy.
~if, while helping John, you’ve ever actually shot the TV. (“Is this thing loaded?”)
~you see pictures of war on T.V. and all you can think about is that you want to be there so you can pick up the BRASS.
~it bothers you more when 007 runs out of ammo than when the BOND girl dies.
~you watch La Femme Nikita just to see the HK MP5s.
~your only criteria for renting a video is what guns it might have in it.
~while watching the movie “Terminator 2” you have to leave the room in tears and mornful sobs after Arnold Swartzenneger throws the CAR-16 off the moving tractor trailer and it goes bouncing away~.
~everytime you see the finale of the Sam Peckinpa movie “The Wild Bunch” you think to yourself “what a waste of brass!”.
~your friends refuse to see ANY films containing firearms with you.
~when you met your wife’s parents for the 1st time you arrived at their house riding a motorcycle and wearing a S&W DA/Auto on your hip.
~you and your new father-in-law go to a gun show on your wedding day.
~your wife’s bridal registry was at the local gun shop.
~you have spent more on guns in the last 6 months than you did on your wifes engagement ring.
~your fiance didn’t want a ring, she wanted an M1 carbine. And, you bought her one.
~you use a lathe to turn a nice ring from the appropriate size case. You engrave it with a few hearts and then nickel plate it and add gold inlay. She’ll love you for having the “personal” touch, being careful with the family money, and from knowing you’ll be able to keep her guns in tiptop shape.
~have traded the wife’s wedding ring for a shotgun, and she let you.
~you take your wife on vacation to a gun show for your 10th Anniversary and she is as excited to go as you are.
~you let your wife go out and blow all kinds of money on junk she’ll never use just so she won’t gripe when you buy that latest piece you really need for your collection.
~your mother-in-law asks what new gun junk you want for Christmas this year.
~you remember important family dates based on when you purchased a firearm.
~you build a gun rack in your bedroom and it’s closer to you than your wife.
~your wife tells you that you can’t subscribe to any more gun magazines until you do something with all the old ones you’re keeping.
~you have Trijicon Night-lights in your bedroom.
~your teenage daughter’s next date is introduced to you while your sitting at the loading bench cleaning your M-1.
~if half the guests at your daughter’s wedding are shooters and their wives or husbands had fun talking.
~your wife says to buy a gun she would like you to sell one first.
~your wife wants to wear black leather so you buy her a carry holster.
~your gun safe cost more then your dining room set.
~you get rid of the microwave to make room for the brass tumbler.
~you or your wife do the wash, several spent casings fall out of your rolled-up sleves.
~it is very common in your household to step on BBs, spent and live primers, and the occassional .22 rimfire with bare feet.
~your wife often vacuums-up live primers you dropped in the carpert.
~you both enjoy the excitement when she does vacuum.
~you find some live primers laying in the driveway.
~when daughter was growing up hand her boyfriends a 45-70 round and tell them you have lots more where that came from.
~you introduce yourself to your daughter’s suitors as “a very good shot” and you have a copy of Guns And Ammo in one hand and are wearing your NRA Life Member hat. A holstered large pistol on your belt is optional.
~after being introduced to the new boyfriend you quote from “Clueless” by saying: “Young man, I own a .45 and a shovel…don’t make me have to use either one.”
~your wife/girlfriend starts using Hoppes No. 9 instead of perfume to get your attention.
~your wife/girlfrind thinks that aura of Hoppies #9 is your favorite after shave.
~you use Hoppes No. 9 as a room or carpet freshener.
~you are asked by a waitress what cologne you are wearing. You just got done cleaning your guns.
~you think a shotgun wedding is what happens when a fellow gets overly fond of his 12 gauge.
~you consider naming your unborn child Winchester.
~you name your first-born boy MAK90.
~you name your first-born girl LadySmith.
~your kid’s huggies come in camo battlepacks.
~your wife threatened to leave you after finding 400 muddy shotshells soaking in the bathtub for the tenth time.
~you find out that the dishwasher does a MUCH better job but your wife threatens to leave you because she is tired of fishing em out from under the heating elements.
~you go to a marriage counselor, he asks you which you like better, shooting or sex, and you think it’s the stupidest question you’ve ever heard.
GUN SHOP/GUN SHOW
~you buy a gun at a shop only to find out you used to own it a couple of years ago.
~the largest gun store in your area *calls* you if they need something they can’t get elsewhere.
~when buying a new gun, you plead with your gun shop to keep it until you have space for it.
~you’ve ever sent a scope (that was never dropped) back to Leupold for repair.
~factories ask *you* how well their guns hold up.
~Hornady’s largest midwestern distributor informs you that you’ve bought over half of all the Vector ammo they’ve ever had in stock.
~your standard Sunday-afternoon question to guys selling surplus ammo at gun shows is “How much for all of it, so you don’t have to lug it home?”
~you shoot enough Berdan-primed ammo that you are on a first-name basis with your local scrap metal dealer.
~you are on a first-name basis with every major tire shop owner within a 25-mile radius.
~upon seeing your 1978 wildcatting project (a .375 on a .50 Sharps 3 1/4″ case, 3340 FPS with a 300 Sierra boattail), Elmer Keith says “You’re nuts!”
~Keith Francis (at JGS, the chambering reamer company), answers your phone calls “What have you dreamed up *this* time?”
~you own a firearm listed in the Guinness book.
~you put a Hogue Grip on your car’s parking brake
~you have a magazine loader on your key ring.
~you use a .32-20 casing for a pen cap.
~your key-ring fob is a converted .50BMG cartridge.
~your collection of AR back issues, Gun digests and reloading manuals cost you a premium the last time you moved. (or maybe that is a sign that you are an OLD gun nut!)
~Peter Alan Kasler owes you a lunch because you caught him out on an obscure fine point of firearms law, you just might be …
~every time one of your friends goes to buy a new gun they check with you first, since you’ve probably had one already, and because they know you have ammo and gun parts sitting around for guns you no longer own.
~spend 3 days going through the SGN looking through ALL the ads to get the COMPLETE kit for a weapon and then order through the 30 or so mail order companies that are needed for this and then build it. Just because you can.
~you slip and almost fall out the second story bathroom window because of the Guns & Ammo you left in front of the throne.
~if you get a flat and realize that you’ve got 400 pounds of shot, a Hefty bag each of wads and empty hulls, and enough primers to re-open the main shaft of the Lost Dutchman on top of your spare tire.
~if the Bible you read every night before bed is the Shooter’s Bible.
~you take your guns out of the safe each night and handle them, just so you can wipe them off before putting them away.
~you keep a loaded gun hidden in every room in the house, including the bathroom and kitchen, “just in case”, and then keep one on you at all times just in case someone breaks in while you’re in the hallway.
~you named your pocket pistol “Little Guy” and your 12 guage “Big Jake.”
~you wash your hands BEFORE taking a dump so you can take a piece of your collection in with you and not get salty sweat on the blue.
~you make $15 per hour at work, but spend 30 minutes on your knees at the range looking for that last piece of 40 S&W brass.
~you have to decide the difference between a gun nut and a firearms enthusiast? Is it 1,000 rounds per day or week?
~you read that “Brady II” would outlaw possession of more than 1,000 rounds of ammunition and think “I have more than that rolling around loose in the trunk of my car!”, you just might be a gun nut.
~you could identify on sight all rifle bolt-faces as in – “that’s a Ruger, that’s a Savage, that’s a WInchester ..”
~you can identify gunshots from faraway as to caliber, whether from a rifle or pistol, brand of gun, grains of powder used, *what* powder and at what speed! Then you realize you can tell if it is blued or stainless.
~you work for the military and have more shooting experience then the guys in uniform you work with.
~when you go to the magazine rack, you check the Guns and Ammo cover to see if there are new guns as compared to checking the Playboy cover to see what it is offering.
~you have a callus on your shoulder.
~you’re in the army reserves, and they can’t figure out why every time they send you out to shoot the M60 with 100 rounds, you return with a shot-out barrel. It never dawns on them you’re bringing your own ammo.
~you spend more time choosing which guns to bring with you on a trip, as well as holsters, and belts, than it does to pick out the clothes you will wear.
~you approach total strangers and ask if they’re going to keep their brass, you just might be a gun nut.
~friends and family ask what you want for Christmas “Other than gun stuff.”
~you’ve ever run out of film photographing your guns for insurance purposes.
~you’ve ever photographed your entire gun collection, but “insurance purposes” never entered your mind.
~you try taking one big ‘family photo’ of your gun collection, but just can’t fit them all in one frame.
~you have Brownells on speed dial.
~you hand crafted a base pad for your Hogue monogrip out of a hockey puck.
~if you install a speed dialing device on your gun safe~.
~you own a BAYONET for a gun you haven’t bought yet.
~you buy some checkering tools, checker all your gunstocks, and then start in on the bedposts~
~you practiced on the bedposts first before you did the guns.
~the custom door lock pulls on your Jeep are .223 Rem cases and the gear shift knob is a .50 BMG.
~you have guns in your safe that you can’t for the life of you remember how you came by.
~you consider it a point of honor to only buy factory ammo if you need the brass.
~when you hear or see the numbers 221 you automatically think “fireball”, 257 you think “Roberts”, 218 “Bee”, 4570 “government” etc., etc. and can’t stop.
~your pickup is subject to search at any given time because, in your state, empty cartridge cases rolling around the floor are considered probable cause.
~years in history are inextricably linked to firearms development in your head. 1860… 1903… 1911… 1921… 1941… 1957… etc.
~your telephone number is: 223-2250 or 308-3006 or 303-3040 or some other combination of three + four digit calibers.
~you think there is some special significance when you glance at a clock and it shows 3:08, 3:57, 2:23, etc., no matter how many times you see it.
~when you hear “Winchester Catherdral”, you think of the “church of shooting”.
~you use a spot on the windshield as a targeting sight on that idiotic driver in front of you.
~you start wondering if you should spread out your ammo boxes to more evenly distribute the weight on the floor.
~you start eyeing the floor space around your gun vault wondering if you could fit another one there along side it.
~you even had the thought ” I wonder what scale that little kids Animal Crackers are, compared to Regulation shilouttes?”
~you buy a Remington 700 BDL Varmint in .308 just to get a supply of 308 cases to make brass for your .44 Auto Mag.
~you carry pictures of all your guns with you at all times in order to show off your “babies”.
~you spend more on ammo each month than on food.
~your guns are worth twice as much as your car.
~even one of your guns is worth more than your car.
~you list your local FFL dealer as a dependent on your tax return.
~a topless joint with free admission is half a mile away, and instead you drive 40 miles to the shooting range on a Saturday night.
~you alternate silvertips and hydra-shocks in your magazines because they look prettier that way.
~you guess range and windage whenever you look at road signs.
~your driver’s license says “must wear night-vision goggles”
~”Miller Time” means plinking at beer cans.
~the highlight of your week is discovering that 6 .40SW hollowpoints fit perfectly in a plastic 35mm film canister. (5 up/1 down in the middle).
~you retrofit a laser sight to your TV remote control.
~your favorite NBA team is the Boston KelTecs.
~your mailbox has a Weaver Rail on top.
~you can’t figure out why your non-shooting friends laugh when you say “Bushmaster”.
~you drive 300 miles just to ogle (and fire) HK-MP5s (and Stens, Uzis, BMGs and whatever else shows up at Knob Creek)
~you go to three different gun shows within a month and your excited every single time.
~you’re guns are cleaner than your house/apartment.
~you have 5 different guns being DROS’d at 3 different FFL dealers.
~4 local gun shops know you by name.
~you’re friends with 90%-100% of the employee’s at every one of those shops.
~when you stop in, the ask you questions like “how was work?”, “how’s the wife and kids”, “we’re gonna order some food, ya want in?”, etc.
~you can wallpaper your house with old issues of Shotgun News, Gun List, Guns & Ammo, etc…
~you’re a computer specialist and you have more issues of Shotgun News and Gun List than MacWeek and PCWeek.
~you bought 7 or more AK-47’s just so you could have different ones from different countries (Bulgarian, Romanian, Russian, Yugoslavian, Egyptian, Chinese, etc.)
~you’re phone number, license plate, extension at work, etc. relates to some kind of bullet caliber…ON PURPOSE.
~you have framed targets hanging in your bathroom, hallway, etc. with tight groups that you have shot.
~you can read the same issue of SGN/GL/etc. everyday until a new issues comes out.
~you own enough guns to arm everyone on your block.
~you own 4 AR-15’s configured EXACTLY the same but by different manufactures (Colt, Bushmaster, Olympic Arms, Armalite, etc.) just because you can.
~the last 5 guns you bought are never to be fired.
~you’d rather have a $10,000 PSG-1 and drive a $600 car rather than drive a $10,000 car and have a $600 gun.
~you preach how stupid gun laws/bans are at work when you work in a predominatly ANTI-gun company.
~you rather ban alcohol than hi-cap clips/mags.
~you actually consider buying the camo sexy underwear advertised for your sweetie in some gun catalogs.
~you learn that in the house your buying someone committed suicide using a firearm and all your interested in is the make, model, caliber and condition of the firearm that was used.
~your kids, once in said house, determine that the broken window was a result of that firearms slug after it left the skull cavity of the victim, and they understand why you bought the house.
~your brothers-in-law only come to visit so they can shoot your guns.
~your gun dealer owes you $500 bucks rather than the other way around.
~you consider concealed carry every time you shop for clothes.
~you take a dolly or hand truck with you to gun shows.
~you buy a gun safe much larger than you think you’ll ever need and still fill it up.
~you need yet another safe for all of the ammunition.
~you have to structurally reinforce your house due to this hobby.
~you buy a .25 Beretta to keep inside your Bible cover. Everybody needs a “hideout church gun”.
~your drive to work is filled with reverie about why Ed’s Red actually works.
~when you talk about the best piece you ever had, if you mean a pistol.
~you get real good at drywalling your gun room once a year.
~you spend more on the gun accessories than the gun.
~you know the cyclic rate of a 1928 over-stamp Thompson.
~you spent hours trying to design a device that hands you bullets the right side up.
~you identify the gun on the cover of Dillon’s “Blue Press” before you ever notice the girl.
~the first thing you notice is that she is actually holding the gun correctly.
~your license plate reads: “DBL TAP”
~your license plate reads: “GUN NUT” and the wife’s car had “GUN NUT2”.
~you have these plates and the Sheriff stops you to ask about finding a part or to sell you a used gun.
~you are Canadian and have the audacity to own a gun.
~you spend more than the cost of a new Glock to travel to the GSSF/Glock matches on the chance that you might win one as well as to shoot at someplace new and different.
~you never miss Monday Night Football because it is reloading night. That’s because you went through a whole week’s ammo the day before, while everyone else was home watching the regular Sunday games.
~you bought a barrel of Garand clips for the Garand your going to buy.
~you bought a mauser 98 barrel and are now looking for an action to which it can be fitted.
~you find a set of 8×57 dies and 3 boxes of brass for a good price and then spend $200 on a Persian Mauser and $99 on a Hakim to shoot the 8×57 reloads with.
~you carry a brush gun like a .35 Remington for close range shots and a .25/06 slung across your back for those long range shots when you have plenty of time.
~you have a Ruger M-77 in 7mm-08 because you had an excess 3X9 by 40 scope.
~you buy a used holster at a show for $5.00, and then spend a few hundred on a gun that fits it.
~you look in your dealer’s used gun case and most of them once belonged to you.
~and you start buying them back.
~take your gun parts to work to do your customizing even though it may get you in trouble.
~you’ve ever conducted dry-fire practice while riding the porcelain ponny.
~if your local dealer comes to your house to shoot rather than the local range.
~if you collect empty cartridges that you can’t use on the off hand chance that you might some day be able to trade them for something that you can use.
~you buy a set of grips for a pistol that you hope to get in the future.
~the dealer knows what you collect and calls you whenever he gets something new in (a Mk IV .455 Webley or anything Brittish).
~you call a friend long-distance just to discuss if a 3 gr. varience in cast bullets will effect accuracy.
~you were the only kid in the 8th grade who know how to field strip an MP40.
~you spend more time at the range on your knees in the bushes looking for corroded .25 ACP cases than shooting?
~you pick up even such useless items as .22 rimfire and steel Berdan primed military cases.
~you know they used those spent .22 cases for guilding material in swaged bullets during WWII.
~you stand next to shooters with semi-automatic firearms with a cardboard box, hoping to catch a few ejected empties.
~you concentrate more on where your .45 ACP cases are landing than on the target.
~you can concentrate on the target because your wife and/or kids chase the brass for you.
~you wander about in front of the firing line in search of that elusive 30/06 case even when others are firing.
~you make trips to the local range on cold, wet days just to search for a few old semi-crushed .38 Specials.
~you worry if you lose just ONE empty when shooting?
~you have cases in your pockets, car, bedroom, kitchen, office and garage at all times.
~your basement looks like an ammo dump.
~you scrounged brass before you ever owned a gun.
~your favorite euphemism for sex is “concealing the weapon,” you just might be a gun nut.